RTF WEEK #03 - MANIPULATION, POWER & CONTROL

During my 23-year toxic relationship, I found myself in denial of reality all the while loving my husband dearly.  The fact is, he was a good man in providing for his family, he had kind and caring ways and on the flip side, he had a cruel, mean streak.  As a well-educated woman with a successful career, I felt like my life had two separate realities.  At home I was often beaten down emotionally leaving me with a lack of self-worth and confidence. 

With my doctors recommendations of seeking psychological help (as mentioned in Week #01 – Dare to Dream), the happy reality of life began to slip away.  The cold, hard reality of my marriage began to surface from deep within.  It took about 2 years for the treasured love (held for my husband), to totally disintegrate.   Once I stepped out of that marriage, there was a nagging question in my head about how he successfully manipulated and controlled me.  Hence birthed my desire to research the workings of manipulation, power and control.

For anyone relating to being manipulated by a power and control of any type, it is important for you to realize the following:

• You are not stupid

• You are not weak

• You are not worthless

• You are not what someone else says you are

If someone/something is manipulating you, and you are not a manipulator, how can you possibly recognize the game?  If you don’t know the rules, how can you recognize the toxic trait of such?  The person with the silent rules holds the power, and the rules are likely to constantly change.  How can your personal power and strength possibly survive in such an environment?  It’s like the power and control is the hunter and you are prey (target).  This can cause the target to be on constant alert for danger and in an everlasting mode of fear.  Not a happy place to be!

The power and control cycle can look something like this:

Step One - Demands

A demand is put towards you in a cunning way.  It will likely be twisted around to make it look like it would be to your advantage.  This is hard to you to disagree because it looks like it’s for your best interest.  Even if you have strong instincts, your emotional attachment, or any feelings of fear, can help you ignore the danger signs.

Step Two - Fear

This is where an internal war can begin inside yourself.  Your emotional attachment, or your fear, can block your instincts, caving to the pressure of power and control.  Of course, in the moment, all is well but the dance of power and control against you is dangerous.  Fact is, you are being groomed to comply!

Step Three - Resistance

Individuals using the power and control tactics do not like resistance. In fact, your resistance has already been calculated and the agenda escalates. 

Power and control people want what they want and will do anything to win the prize. Trying to suggest alternatives for the demand, could peg you as being difficult.  After all, what they are suggesting for you is the best for YOU.  In a controllers mind, why would you argue?

Often it’s just easier to agree because it all begins with small demands.  If you are strong enough to stand up against the pressure and refuse to comply the threats surface!

Step Four - Threats

Threats abound, you are now facing consequences if you do not comply.  You might be experiencing feelings of confusion and helplessness.  You might feel between and rock and hard place while anger is being thrust in your direction.  Guilt and shame are added to the game against you.  Lies abound making your head spin and anxiety rise.  In fact, the power and control might attempt to place themselves in victim mode.  You never asked for this  ping-pong game between threats and seeking pity.  At this stage, your desire safety and peace is likely escalating internally.

Step Five – Compliance

Do you comply?  It really all depends on the your level of strength as this process repeats itself, over and over again.  The end goal is to break you, it may feel like a no-win situation.  At some point you might decide to take the path of least resistance issuing a win for power and control.  As many say, only the strong survive!

Step Six - Repetition

The more the controller wins these battles, the more he controls; it’s a vicious cycle.  You are on the losing end of a battle you did not ask for.  Manipulators are masters at getting what they want, when they want, using any tools necessary for their own gain.  They care very little about their target(s), lacking remorse for the pain they inflict.  They feel justified in their actions, after all, it is necessary to win the battle.  Unfortunately, most often the target is not aware there is a agenda with the battle.

At the point of deciding to refuse compliance, you must realize that you cannot control the actions of the controller, you can only change your reactions.  Try taking the power away now, and the game turns very dirty but you can find your way out!  It is always important to keep safety your first priority.

Taking your power back can cause the manipulator to stumble and fall.  When the controller is losing power you might actually see them using temper tantrum type behaviour or unusual/outrageous demands which may include (but not limited) the following:

• Isolation

• Attempts to control your behaviour

• Unlimited tactics including fear, threats, and shame 

• Behaviour to hurt you

• Using guilt trips

• Displaying anger

Are you ready to raise the veil to let the sunshine in your life?  Perhaps you can discover some truth about your life and relationships by asking yourself some of these questions:

• Can you think of any power and control tactics used on you in your life?

• Someone feeling superior that makes you feel stupid, selfish or crazy?

• Do you ever feel like your intelligence threatens people around you?

• Take a good look at possible power and control tactics being used on you!

The first step is taking a good hard look at the truth.

The second step is trying to figure out how you will deal with that truth!

Remember, baby steps lead to steps, steps lead to strides and strides lead you into freedom. Freedom to live your life, your way!

If you have been controlled and/or manipulated and are now ready to change your life, you must learn to face your fears. 

Up next... WEEK #04 - THE TRUTH ABOUT FEAR

Feel free to review previous WEEKS of ROADMAP TO FREEDOM posts:

RTF WEEK #01 – DARE TO DREAM (inpursuitofhealing.org)

RTF WEEK #02 - GOALS & AFFIRMATIONS (inpursuitofhealing.org)

Friendly reminder… continue with your Daily Affirmations

Experiencing a bad day? 

Review your Dream Life Story.  It can fill you up with much needed faith, hope and determination.  Above all else, never, every, give up…tomorrow is new day that can bring you new possibilities.

The Roadmap to Freedom personal growth series is a unique, one-of-a-kind program created by Ali Shilo. All rights reserved. Copyright 2024

Questions? 

Contact Ali … info.inpursuitofhealing@gmail.com