RTF WEEK #10 - ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION
- infoinpursuitofhea
- May 4, 2024
- 9 min read
Updated: Oct 24, 2024
Before reviewing some assertiveness strategies, one must first understand the communication process that happens at lightning speed:
The sender forms an idea in his/her head
The sender coverts the idea into words
The sender communicates the idea using words and gestures
this can be where the problems begin
words have different meanings for different people
some of this is based on our unique, past experiences
The receiver hears the message and translates it
many obstacles happen here
outside noise
possible lack of listening skills
barriers and judgments based on own experiences
The receiver decides how to respond based on their unique translation and then sends feedback to the sender. The problem with communication is each person has their own personal life experiences. They interpret what they are hearing from their own opinions of what was said. The same sentence could have two separate meanings for two people. A simple example:
“It’s really cold outside.”
To a person born and raised in Alaska this sentence would have a much different meaning than to a person born and raised in Florida. Not to say this example of geographic locations is the only communication barrier.
How about another example:
Two people are employed for the same company. One was raised in an abusive/toxic environment with the other raised in a more functional, happy home. The boss in the company is aggressive and both employees are called into the head office. The boss is angry and throwing all the blame onto the two employees for the mistake. It is most likely these employees will have two totally different experiences in this scenario.
It’s possible the one raised in an abusive/toxic home might become highly stressed and tend to shrink away or become very aggressive themselves. On top of his stress and anger, this person might stop listening entirely and concentrate on some past survival skills he habituated.
The employee raised in a healthier environment might stand tall to the aggression and not take it personally thereby able to troubleshoot the mistake to make amends. It is never cut and dry because it is all so unique, no two people are alike.
To make things even more confusing, only 10% of our communication process is verbal. Ninety percent is our body language and most of us are oblivious to what our body is conveying. For instance, one might be trying to agree but are shaking our head NO and crossing our arms indicating no flexibility. These nonverbal clues can include (but not limited to):
eye contact
facial expressions
body movements
body stature
distance – stepping forward or back
Paying attention to someone’s body language can help decipher the communication. While we all pay attention to others body language unconsciously it would help to make it a point to start noticing it consciously. Also, you can use your body language to more effectively convey your messages.
In addition, another barrier to effective communication is listening skills. There is a difference between hearing and listening
hearing means you hear something
listening is hearing and digesting, it is engaging in the thinking process
Often we stop listening while we begin to process our response to the sender, especially if we are in a heated argument or someone is attacking us. We begin to focus on creating a good comeback to protect or defend ourselves. In fact, statistics say we actually listen to only 25% - 50% of what is being said. This indicates we miss up to 75% of the message, that is huge! As unique individuals, with our own personal experiences, we do our best to interpret and assume what the sender is saying. At times we can shut our ears off if they push our buttons. Our brain can actually process thoughts almost 4 times faster than the spoken word. This can cause our minds to wander off, otherwise referred to as daydreaming.
Effective listening takes practice. We must shutoff our thoughts relating only to us, thereby permitting us to really listen, digest the words, interpret the words and then relate what we heard to the sender.
Tips for effective listening:
Pay attention
set your intention to focus on listening
try to shut your mind down to outside triggers, for instance;
what you are making for supper
what your children did last night
what you plans are for the weekend
anywhere of a thousand places your mind can wander
Show the other person you are listening:
nod, smile, pay attention to your body language
comment using small words like, yes, uh-huh, etc.
Always try to be respectful:
don’t fake attention
give the person talking your focus and attention
provide some feedback (at appropriate times, do not interrupt)
I hear you saying ….
sounds like you are saying …
do you mean …
what do you mean when …
Tips for effectively communicating to others:
speak clearly
loud enough to be heard
soft enough not to be viewed as over-bearing
be aware of personal space zones
Intimate = zero to 1.5 feet (family and loved ones)
Personal = 1.5 to 4 feet (talking with friends privately)
Social = 4 to 12 feet (close enough for eye contact yet far enough for comfort)
Public = 12 feet and over (classroom, speeches, etc.)
be conscious of your body language
what are you trying to project
smile (if appropriate)
appearance is important in certain situations
use simple words
do not try to impress with large, sophisticated words
be aware it is easy to lose peoples interest
encourage feedback to confirm understanding
ask probing questions, not just yes or no answer
allow ample time for the other person to process what you are saying
do not assume they understand your message, try to confirm it
listener will often lie to save face
be willing to accept blame for misunderstandings
Let’s take a trip back to RTF Session #06 Assert Yourself where it suggested you learn to ask for what you want/need. To do this you must determine:
What do you want?
Who can give it to you?
When do you want it?
Where do you want it?
Asking for what you want can often be misinterpreted. The other person can get their knickers in a knot (so to speak). They might go on the defensive if they are feeling like they are being attacked for whatever reason. In my experience, when communicating changes you would like to see happen in a relationship (family, friends, work, etc.) use “I” statements. First determine what it is you don’t like or what you would like to see changed, then talk about how it makes you feel. You can even go further to say what is happening to you. For example:
“Sometimes I feel like you are attacking me.
When this happens my anxiety level skyrockets.”
You are not saying you are being attacked, you are saying you FEEL like you are being attacked, there is a difference! Regardless, the listener may hear what he/she want to hear and assumptions can be made. It’s possible their train of thought kicks into high gear upon the word “attack”. Remember, we are all unique, we all interpret according to our personal life experiences and the other person may be only hearing 25% of what you are saying causing their insecurities to heighten. The only way to counteract something like this is to repeat, perhaps in a different way, “I did not say you attack me. What I said was, I FEEL like…”. It is important to always make it about you, not them. This is what makes the difference, more examples:
“I feel like you don’t care.”
VS
“You just don’t care.”
Always attempt to keep the communication open for the other person to tell you how they are feeling. You yourself should try not to become defensive. Be aware if they are not effective communicators they might be using "you" statements. Try not to take it personal, at least the lines of communication are rolling. When responding again keep your statements using the “I” word. The purpose here is solve problems, not create conflict.
Who are we to tell anyone what they are doing? We all do it until we realize there might be a better way. What I am suggesting here is to try a different method. It takes work because we are habitual humans but practice makes perfect. Maybe you feel the person takes you for granted, however, saying this will put them on the defensive. This could create an argument and arguing can cause the communication to go round and round in a circle, even getting off topic.
Effective communication insists you get centered on the work “I” and take responsibility for misunderstandings. It’s important to remain respectful as well:
I am sorry, I did not mean it that way, what I meant was…
I am sorry, you are right. It did sound like that, what I meant was…
Try to not assume you know what the other is thinking or feeling because we are not mind readers. All you can do is try this suggested method of communication.
It is worthy to note that the change you are wishing for begins with you. To request or demand change, you must first adopt that change…become the change you wish to see in the world around you. If you want respect, you must become respectful regardless of how other people are acting. You cannot control another person, you can only control your reaction.
A wise person once told me if I wanted to live a life of freedom, I had extend that same freedom to the people around me. Demanding freedom while trying to control those around you is not a balance or recipe for success.
Over the years I have created a few tactics to help me stay away from arguments:
If the other person is trying to argue... repeat, repeat, repeat your want or need
Try very hard to keep your emotions calm
Do not take anything personally
If they are angry, that is about them, not you
Remain respectful
If the situation gets out of control walk away or stop the argument in anyway possible. The definition of insanity is, “Repeating the same thing over and over again expecting a different result”. Use your intuition in the heat of the moment.
This can also be viewed as changing the dance. Often we create habits with people in our lives. They do this, you do that, OR you do this, they do that. It tangles us into a web of arguments that causes the communication to continue in a circle with no relief of solving anything. Changing the dance by trying to create healthier communication skills can help in ways unknown to you.
If you adopt some practical steps listed above, and it is not working, stay calm and walk away. This is how you change the dance. The other person might wonder, what just happened? You just changed a habit, took a different step and left the other person dazed and confused.
Changing yourself is not easy, it is done one step at a time. You must learn to control your reactions. You must learn to stay calm while being personally attacked because it is not about you, it is about the other person if they are attacking. They are reeling in fear and fighting for survival right in front of your eyes. Watch the other persons body language and never give up because you are worth the effort. You want to become a new you!
When all is said and done, you will never change another person, they have to do that for themselves. Perhaps they do not want to change. All you can do is try to through communication and if not successful you must make appropriate decisions for yourself. A personal journal can help you through this process. Journaling can be a healing process. Treat yourself to a new journal or notebook specifically for this task. A special book dedicated to you and only you where you can record your trials and tribulations in your life. Reviewing your journal in the days, weeks, months and years to follow it can serve as an indicator of your personal growth. Your journal can prove to you how far you managed to travel in your personal growth over time.
Up next... WEEK #11 - TOOLS for a STRONGER YOU
Feel free to review previous WEEKS of ROADMAP TO FREEDOM posts:
Friendly reminder self talk … "If it is to be, it's up to me!"
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Contact Ali … info.inpursuitofhealing@gmail.com
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