RTF WEEK #11 - TOOLS for a STRONGER YOU

 Let’s talk about problem solving skills, accepting responsibility for your life and tools for effective decision making.

Many feel the most difficult challenges in personal growth is the internal conflict, a war of sorts.  Your negative Chatterbox can be on high alert.  Add to that, the reinforcement from outside forces claiming you have changed, and not for the better.  If you are working on personal growth, of course you have changed and this is a good thing.  However, many of your friends and family will view you as becoming selfish when you begin to set your boundaries.  The new you is not always a welcome force because it affects their life, they don’t like the change.  Regardless, hold onto the new, improved you that you have worked so hard to change.  Going through this stage is not easy, but it is well worth the effort. 

This upheaval can fuel your guilt feelings and cause your hidden emotions to rise (sometimes in  anger).  Guilt is actually your feelings of anger turned inward against yourself.  It’s your thoughts brewing inside you manifesting into guilty feelings.  This can cause you to doubt yourself, possibly making you feel like you did something wrong.  Leaving these feelings unresolved births a sense of shame.

Guilt is …  “I did something wrong”

Shame is …  “I am something wrong”

If you feel you are something wrong, your self worth suffers terribly.  It might help to realize that guilt is a necessary human mechanism to help us take responsibility for our actions.  If we did something wrong it can be difficult for our mind to process but please realize no one is ever “something wrong”.  We all do wrong things, sometimes intentional, sometimes not.  That only makes us a person that has done wrong things.

Let’s get back to the session about your Chatterbox:

• your thoughts affect your emotions

• your emotions affect your stress level and anxiety

Do you remember the Onion Effect and how it can help change your belief system?  Do you also remember some suggestions for Natural Stress Busters?  You can use these tools to help you with your mistakes, thereby, learning a life lesson to make you a better person.

Let’s now talk about enhancing your skills using problem solving techniques.  The first step to solving problems is to identify what the problem is. 

Here is a  10-step problem solving process – ask yourself the following questions:

1. What am I thinking about?

2. What is the problem related to my thoughts?

3. What is my responsibility here?

4. Is it really my responsibility?

5. If it is not my responsibility, why am I worrying about it?

6. If it is my problem, do I have any control over the situation?

7. If I have no control over the situation,  can I get some assistance from somewhere?

8. If I have some control, what are my options?

9. What can I see as the best resolution for the problem?

10. What is least I am willing to settle for that is good for me?

These 10 questions will permit you to not only define the problem but develop a plan of action.

Obviously, this creates a vicious circle:

• the more you feel ashamed

• the more detrimental it is to your self-worth

• your belief system suffers

  • this creates negative thoughts

  • fuels your anxiety

  • can lead to shameful feelings

• and round, and round, you go

The only way to combat this vicious circle is to change yourself.  Working on changing your belief system and problem-solving skills helps you to learn to take responsibility for yourself and your actions.  

Taking responsibility can move you from victim mode into survivor mode:

• you cannot control anyones’ actions

  • you can only control your reactions

• it is not your responsibility to make anyone happy

  • that is their responsibility

  • it is not anyone’s responsibility to make you happy

  • your responsibility is you

• you, and you alone, are in total control of your life

  • you may not believe this right now

  • you are the cause of your feelings

  • no one can make you feel inferior without your permission

  • can be caused by low self worth

• perhaps we do not feel worthy

  • we sometimes accept responsibility for other peoples actions

  • we can place ourself into victim mode

• it is a survival skill that was created a long time ago

• it can be turned around

When looking at the vicious circle described above, we are in total control of our feelings and our beliefs because we have the power to change our thoughts.  It is never easy but it can create within you a freedom not know before.  Every step you take is a step for the better

Baby steps lead to steps,

Steps lead to strides, and

Strides lead to freedom

Taking responsibility means never blaming anyone else for who you are, what you do, what you have or what you are feeling.  That is a tall order indeed!  It also means not blaming yourself but rather learning from your mistakes .  Use your mistakes as life lessons and move on.

“Mistakes are learning what not to do next time”

Begin by becoming aware of when you are not taking responsibility for your life.  Negative feelings is a good clue, again, your thoughts control everything.  Change your thoughts and you can change your life!  Listen to your Chatterbox, challenge every negative comment because it wants to keep you in victim mode where it thinks you are safer. 

We often experience payoffs that keep us stuck in life, for instance:

• attention seekers prefer to remain in victim mode

• it takes courage to jump out of victim into survivor

• it takes strength to challenge yourself

• you can’t stay in victim mode and feel free

So far in this program you have created your Dream Life Story together with your Goals & Affirmations.  You have worked on personal growth (by understanding how you got where you are) and now it is time to accept responsibility for your life.  Taking responsibility for your life will help you reach your Dream Life. 

Taking responsibility is the first step to jumping out of your vicious circle.  Partner this with effective decision making and you have a formula for success. Doesn’t that sound promising?  When making a decision, your Chatterbox can flood you with a multitude of “what if” scenarios.  Be aware that’s just your fear of making a mistake.  Again, we must change our focus to realize mistakes are a learning process.  Do you want to stay stuck by remaining in indecisiveness.

Fictitious

Experience

Appearing

Real

You now have the tools you need to face your fear.

You now possess the knowledge necessary to retrain your brain

The negative “what if” thoughts can be turned around into an opportunity to grow, to learn and to experience something new.  What if you face your fear, make that decision and find your life beaming with opportunity that would not have been available if you were stuck in your fear?

And, what if, you find it was not the best decision you have every made?  It did not end up as you had wished.  Do you fall apart, or can you now believe that you can handle anything that comes your way?  If it leads to mistake on your part, you have learned a valuable lesson, you have gained wisdom and now know what not to do next time.  It really is a win-win scenario!

This entire program is a process of learning to believe in yourself.  No matter what life throws at you, you can handle it.  The more you believe you can handle anything in life:

• the more confidence you will gain

• your self worth can rise

• your beliefs can change

• your thoughts can become more positive

• you could get stuck in a positive vicious circle

• life can get better and better all the time

• this is the way to happiness

Just by the sheer fact you tried, makes you a success.  Some of the greatest people through our history failed, over and over again, until they succeeded:

• Lucille Ball was dismissed from drama class because she was too shy

• The Beatles were turned down by a recording studio saying they didn’t like their sound and guitar music was on the way out

• Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team

• Thomas Edison was told he was too stupid in school

• Walt Disney was fired from a newspaper claiming he lacked imagination with no original ideas

• Abraham Lincoln failed in 2 businesses, suffered a nervous breakdown and lost 8 elections

These facts were taken from a video on YouTube entitled “The Best Motivation Video”.  Feel free to search it out because it’s just little over a minute to watch and very inspirational.

To live life to its fullest, you must first be willing to fail, be willing to learn from your mistakes.  It’s important to recognize that mistakes are not to be feared, but rather they are to be relished as treasured experiences leading to wisdom. 

If your decision takes you down a road you don’t like, or want, you can always change it.  Decisions are not set in stone.  Learn to be flexible and go with the flow in life.  When you are faced with a fork in the road, try choosing your best option at that time in your life.  Take some time to really think about your options.  The best advice I can give is to follow your heart.  Try to gain the strength to resist the impulse to do what others want you to do because their wants truly are selfish.  Doing what is best for you is not an easy path, you might meet up with a great deal of resistance.  Well meaning people have a plan for you and it always involves some selfish aspects of their own (even if they are not aware of that).  To find happiness, I mean true happiness, you must follow your own heart by using your own intuition.  To do less will land you in a place you dislike.  The people in your life that truly matter will come to understand this.  How about changing your mindset to thinking you can be a positive role model for them to follow their heart (in the future) when they are facing their own decisions.

You must find a way to make yourself happy first because no one is going to do that for you! 

I believe there are no coincidences and that everything happens for a reason whether we view those experiences as good and bad.  I truly believe there is a silver lining in every cloud.  Not everyone will agree with my belief and that is okay, we are all entitled to our own opinions and beliefs. 

What I can tell you is … living through the worst of my life experiences, those that brought me to my knees to suffer in pain and sorrow, were the moments that roared at me to rise like a Phoenix…and rise I did!  When and if you meet a person with the strength of a warrior and the peace of an Angel, rest assured they have walked through the pits of hell and somehow managed to climb their way out to create a harmonious life.

Everyone, and I mean everyone, has trials and tribulations in life.  Some fall and rise … some fall and crash, but each and every person had to make a decision on what path they wished to walk.  You can learn to ride the wave during the pain because you know life is a balance of happy and sad times.  Life lessons are meant to push you forward in your life, they are not meant to break you.  The choice is yours and only yours.  You are free to make any choice you wish, but you are not free from the consequences of those choices.

Have you ever heard the term, “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade”?  That’s the positive version.  You can also take those lemons, break them open, stuff them in your mouth and despise the sour taste that makes you want to throw up.

You can learn to go with the flow.  Face the truth in front of you, don’t deny it is happening, and have the courage to feel the pain and disappointment.  Without sadness we could not could enjoy happiness.  Life is full of twists and turns.  Make the decision to grab hold of the situation and use your determination to turn it into something worthwhile.  Master the skills you require to navigate through life.  Begin by trying to accept all change in your life with a positive outlook.  Make up your mind you can handle anything and you will.  You truly are what you think.  Learn to believe in yourself, in your abilities, in your strengths, in your courage and through it all remember to stay alert and stay safe!

Up next... WEEK #12 - YOUR CHOICE, YOUR WAY

Feel free to review previous WEEKS of ROADMAP TO FREEDOM posts:

RTF WEEK #01 – DARE TO DREAM (inpursuitofhealing.org)

RTF WEEK #02 - GOALS & AFFIRMATIONS (inpursuitofhealing.org)

RTF WEEK #03 - MANIPULATION, POWER & CONTROL (inpursuitofhealing.org)

RTF WEEK #04 - THE TRUTH ABOUT FEAR (inpursuitofhealing.org)

RTF WEEK #05 - DESTRESS YOURSELF (inpursuitofhealing.org)

RTF WEEK #06 - ASSERT YOURSELF (inpursuitofhealing.org)

RTF WEEK #07 - THOUGHTS and BELIEFS (inpursuitofhealing.org)

RTF WEEK #08 - COMPASSIONATE POSITIVE THOUGHTS (inpursuitofhealing.org)

RTF WEEK #10 - ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION (inpursuitofhealing.org)

Friendly reminder self talk … "If it is to be, it's up to me!"

Experiencing a bad day? 

Review your Dream Life Story.  It can fill you up with much needed faith, hope and determination.  Above all else, never, every, give up…tomorrow is new day that can bring you new possibilities.

The Roadmap to Freedom personal growth series is a unique, one-of-a-kind program created by Ali Shilo. All rights reserved. Copyright 2024

Questions? 

Contact Ali … info.inpursuitofhealing@gmail.com